I've been feeling really aimless recently. I had to go see a certain side of my family; entire stay was an extreme humilitation for me - it happens every time I visit them. I had nothing to do and even one unexcepted event, that briefly made me extremely motivated to change things didn't help me. I tried to sew something after a break - I fail, I attempt things I don't want to make, I'm scared of cutting any interesting fabric I got and in turn I hoard more. I need to take it slowly.
My life feels empty and even if it's fine I feel I'm missing something. I never was a religious person, I believe it's just hereditary as my father for years was a very staunch atheist. I don't feel like I have need for religion - going to church won't change anything and I won't find friends here (or they will be insufferable trad larpers). I want a relationship but I'm too scared. Looking for someone in real life, if you don't live in major city full of young adults (and go to university), is hard for me. I can't even find friends. With men, I'm probably like majority of women - waiting for one to hit on me while doing nothing to take the first step myself. I feel very isolated.
I stopped having major mood swings and psychotic episodes. It will be three weeks since I behaved really unhinged - I think I'm on right track to control myeself and change. It came with really numb feeling, I feel really numb - a very constant, flat mood last time I had when I was still on medication. It's better than killing myself with unnecessary anger and hate.